In the Shrill of the Night

Warning: This is a long post.....

Shriek! Growl-Howl. Arrrgh. Oy vey es me-air! Oh, the horror, the horror! Instant gratification eludes me! I'm averaging mere hundred's, not thousands, of views on this blog! I'm a failure! I'll now fall upon any nearby sword and send me-self into an early grave! Woe, oh woe is me! 

Oh, puh-leeze!

One friend suggested that I am "insane" for expecting a larger turn-out after a bit over a month in the blogging cyber-space race. Harumph, I retorted. Many have a thousand or more "hits" per day. What, sayeth I, am I not doing to send in the crowns? I'm stumbling-upon, digging-it, face-booking, twittering, and feedburning until my arms grow weak. Uh, should I actually get out of my room and go out to places where real people talk to one another? You know, as in use my "charm"? Could all my latherings be mere blatherings? Am I deluded or truly eluded?

In the quest to understand how to create a unique and interesting blog, research was part of the process. The mantra is always the same no matter whether the article was written in 2006 or yesterday: become part of an already-existing community and gain the trust and curiosity, as well as a fan-base, of those you interact with on other blogs. Next, promote your blog on other’s blogs. Write about your passion. Don’t worry about “numbers” – and, by all means, get on the SEO’s ASAP and provide fresh content. “Raise eyebrows.” “Be not afraid to comment on controversial subjects.” (The last part is easy, but I am continuing to hold back for some peculiar reason known only to the inner workings of my self-sabotaging or self-preservationist Self.)

Tonight, as I write for Tuesday's entry feeling as if it is far later than it is due to the perverse mind-eff of our seasonal time change, I’m addressing all of the above because I have been following my passion in this blog. The truth is, I have many passions and I want to share all of them in one location. The response has been interesting when I check the stats of what particular topics are the strongest draw for my readers. How refreshing it’s been to note, for the most part, that many like the diversity from politics to the music videos. One day I’ll receive more views on the videos than the written material, another day it will be the opposite. Either way, it seems to be working. Ah, but I want more readers, more feedback. More-More-More. Am I greedy or am I needy? Or do I have to be labeled one or the other when I simply want to know I’m “heard.”

What’s driving me crazy as a blogger is that I’m obsessed with checking the stats. If I have a particularly high page view and visitor count, I feel quite happy. If I have a low-count day my mood becomes sullen. How can one really express their passion when one eye is on the subject and another is on the numbers? Why do I even care about the numbers? I don’t have ads on my blog. I’m not making money from my time investment. What I want is an audience. A very large audience. Why? Because that’s just who I am. Wise friends will tell me not to give it a thought and simply sally forth in honing my writing skills and, at times, expressing levity for myself and others who may want or need a break from whatever is troubling them.

Quite frankly, the above statement has a great deal to do with what I believe is a portion of my purpose in reaching out via the blogosphere to ramble, rant, vent and dent topics and people who I find less than wonderful. But, the deeper truth is that long ago I tired of wearing a mask of “all is well” when it may not be the case. I’m also tired of hearing people say or post on social networks how happy they are and how great they feel when, in truth, in private, if left to their own honesty, their Facebook status would read “I decided not to throw myself off the balcony today.”

Oh sure, it’s helpful to spread positive thoughts and energy around. A very close friend has a new self-help book out and websites filled with positive healing phrases and praises emanating from a true inner beauty. I leave that part of saving our jaded souls to her. Such is her calling and passion in life. I, on the other hand, am often someone who, though fortunate through happy, glowing times in my life, will be the one to answer the basic question of “How are you?” with an honest “I feel like sheet.” At that point, one either attracts someone who wants to offer a warm shoulder of comfort out of the goodness of their heart, or enroll you in a church or the Landmark forum. Conversely, such honesty may lead another to the nearest exit point. “I don’t need that kind of energy in my space” they will say or think as they shrink from the fear of “catching” the toxic energy of one who dares to speak an unpleasant truth.

I now dare to share this part of myself with you, too….because, at this moment in time, bitching about wanting my blog to become a grand success is my passion. What I need to remember, however, is the primal truth to most creative successes: do what you love and damn the result. Using myself as an example of this is born out in the fact that when I was a DJ and didn’t monitor my ratings, I later discovered how high they had grown. It was nice to know, but the best part was simply playing the music and loving every minute of the experience. The same nonchalant attitude permeated many of my careers that brought the most joy. When I was nominated for two Grammy awards as an audiobook producer, the two projects were not done with the goal of a nomination in mind. I simply sat in my producer’s chair, text in front of me, and a talented reader on the other side of the glass, and let the session rip.

The challenge in my new focus of attention while I wind my way into another new career direction, is to do my best to ignore the daily stats and just write what has tapped my mind and heart. But that’s not part of how one becomes a successful blogger. One is supposed to maintain an ever-vigilant assessment of progress or not...and then rectify the missing link(s). Unless one is under the tutelage of an editor/marketer on a major website, it's all up to you to deal with the dirty work. Tote that barge, lift that bail/bale. Oh, for the pampered days of ignorance whilst creating a sumptuous buffet of entertainment!

At least I knew I had a large radio audience when I opened the mic. The station staff always let us know, if not in precise details. When producing, reading, and abridging hundreds of audiobooks, I knew, via Publisher’s Weekly, how well any of my projects were going through reviews and basic news. When I worked in TV, I could cower with my head in the sand over Nielsen ratings, but “Entertainment Tonight” was clearly a success and there was no way to ignore the burgeoning audience.

Now, out on the range in the Wild West of the cyber world, left to one’s own devices, it’s a contradiction of the highest magnitude between passion and marketing/PR action. Am I willing to do all of the steps listed in the beginning of this post? It’s a lot of work, and most sites I read won’t allow one to promote their own blogs if the owners feel there could be competition. So what to do? Write to The Huffington Post and ask if they'll have me? I mean, honestly, I've written better blogs than a few of their starry-lights. How about The Onion? Like me, they appear to be having a bit of a humour block these days. Hmmm. The Daily Beast? I don't know. Tina Brown seems a tad picky.

To those who have a blog of their own, you know what may have driven me to openly share raw feelings, and perhaps why I’m writing this post at night with glazed eyes and question marks leaping around my head.

Is it worth it? Only the obsessed and distressed truly know.