No Rain On the Charade

The sun is shining bright over Los Angeles today after a storm of snow and rain last night/early morning shocked the living Hey-Suse out of Californians who still don’t know how to drive in the rain (or snow). Thank heavens the forecast for Sunday is clear and sunny. The Academy Awards' red carpet must remain dry and warm for those who endure the annual ritual of screaming fans, annoying reporters and interviewers who gush over stars wearing some of the most atrocious fashion mistakes one can imagine, and hours of chilly boredom in a large space where the a/c is ramped so high it is always a mystery to me why most of the female participants don’t end up in the hospital with pneumonia the following day.

What a night it will be! I can’t wait, I tell you, for the comedic duo of James Franco and Anne Hathaway to bring down the house with whatever clever words are tossed into the teleprompter for both to read with that snappy spark of snark one always expects from the hosts. Forget Steve Martin or Billy Crystal (who?) and others who know how to work a room filled with the most self-conscious and self-absorbed audience one can find outside the U.S. Congress. It’s a tough job and someone has to do it, so why not hire two actors best known for their whimsy and sharp wit? Thank Gawd I’ll be at a party where I may wander at leisure away from the large screen and spend half the night at the buffet.

For those who don’t watch the glitzy event because you are either saving lives somewhere in the world or simply find the entire glamour parade charade a bit shallow, I’ll be happy to provide a few choice observations for your vicarious pleasure on Monday after I wash the blur out of my eyes from what I expect will be a fairly un-eventful series of awards. Should Natalie Portman NOT win Best Actress, or Colin Firth NOT win Best Actor, or The King’s Speech NOT win Best Picture, you can bet half of Hollywood will be all abuzz over how shocking such snubberies had been to those who have been reaping all of the industry’s statues at other award shows this season.

Imagine being told by everyone that you are a “shoe-in” and then NOT winning? Such a buzz kill has to hurt (or anger, witness Bill Murray’s and Eddie Murphy’s sour responses to their losses over the years. Murray walked out….) The saddest loss I have observed was when Lauren Bacall was nominated for Best Supporting Actress in 1996 for her work in The Mirror Has Two Faces. The hype everywhere from everyone in and out of the industry was that the golden naked guy would end up in Lauren’s well-deserved hands after “all these years.” After all, she had won at the Golden Globes. But no, the Academy gave the Oscar to someone else…and the dejected expression that fell on Lauren’s still lovely face as the camera held its place on each nominee remains in my memory. No camera could shut off fast enough to spare us her utter shock.

As the Academy usually does after slapping down one of their finest, Ms. Bacall received an Honorary Academy Award in 2009. Well thank you all in the Academy for that gesture! And thank you, “Betty” (as she is called) for being gracious enough to accept it (although it was not televised). I almost put my lips together to whistle in celebration. (Not exact quote.)

Oh, I wrote too soon. A cloud is now passing over the once clear LA sky. Mother Nature is such a tease, isn’t she? Oh well, as I often write, tomorrow is another day and just as it is every year for the Rose Parade, I guarantee by red carpet time tomorrow the sky will be clear and full of good cheer.