For Whom the Cell Told

Oh those kids! Just Sexting away on cell phones in pursuit of getting laid. Typical post-teenagers on the move following primal urges to mate. Nothing unusual about that instinct is there? Well, if you’re a 21-year-old Amish man by the name of William Yoder who rides in a horse and buggy in rural Indiana while using a modern electronic device to entice a 12-year-old girl into huggy-buggy sex, then it’s not exactly typical Amish behavior, nor is it legal, either. Hence, not-so-young Yoder was arrested last week in a real life “sting” after the parents of the girl discovered his sext-texts.

The mind reels. An Amish guy? I don’t know what is stranger: his use of a modern device, usually a huge “no-no” in the down-to-earth-no-frills (and sometimes no electricity either) Amish community, or the random way in which he reportedly punched a few numbers on the cell and ended-up with a young girl on the other end. He also thought she was 13. In his world, that’s a ripe age for coupling, doncha know? After all, he is old enough to grow the Amish male beard of marriage, and, perhaps in Yoder’s mind, a 13-year-old girl would seem to be an appropriate age to create room for a baby seat in the horse-drawn carriage.

Not that I believe William Yoder had plans to do more with his new friend than yodel his way to haben sie lüstr sernes verbotenen geschlecht im frischen verrückten heu. Woo-woo! A lusty roll in the fresh sweet hay in the back of the buggy may have been the extent of his quest for non-Amish-baked pie.

Too bad, really. Amish-made Bavarian Cream pies were the most delicious, decadent pies I have ever experienced in my culinary life! I grew up near an Amish community where the sight of horse and buggy’s clopping along the roadways were normal parts of the landscape. I would drive past their farms, noticing the dark drawn curtains and flickering interior lights from large oil-filled lanterns – no TV antenna's or a car in sight.

On weekend outings, my mother and father would take me to the nearby quaint town of Hartville where the Amish population was large. An enterprising and fairly modern Amish family owned a small restaurant in the heart of the Ville named “The Pantry.” One entered a charming dining room with old yet beautifully maintained wood tables and family-sized booths where we ordered some of the best German-American-based food – evah! But the sensational sensuous part of it all was when the dessert arrived – any variety one could imagine of a Bavarian Cream pie. The crust was liltingly light – just right – and the cream filling of any flavour one could ever desire was whipped into a Top Chef perfecto confection.

The three of us would devour every morsel before patting our stomachs with appreciative care before wandering off to the car in a dazed culinary bliss.

Ah, if only Yoder knew what he was missing! One slice of that pie would have melted in his mouth and his cell phone would have fallen to the floor with nary a need to sext no more.

But, times have changed, it seems. The once absolutely shunned trinkets of material temptations have trickled into the Amish community, exposing repressed generations to modern society’s lurid temptations.

If you aren’t familiar with Amish culture and the unique details of the frugal and religious lifestyle, know that it is one of the purist in the world. Farming is the main occupation, along with artful simplistic carpentry and other charming, practical crafts. One grows one’s own food 90% of the time. Traditional “Old Amish” families continue home-schooling up to the 8th grade. The tight-knit communities will build a home or a barn in one day with the help of neighbours, and the staircase banisters will always be solid as a rock.

Sacrifices are made to live within the community. There are very strict rules. A few simple examples: should one wander from the Christian-based faith; rebel against any rule, they will be “shunned” indefinitely (or worse *) – by everyone, including one’s parents or spouse. And, you must love to wear plain clothing – no frills beyond suspenders for men, and both sexes dress primarily in greys and browns and blacks. Men wear wide black or tan flat hats and women tie a white stiff lace-like bonnet to cover their rarely seen pretty long hair.

The Amish are from German, Dutch and Swiss stock, settling in the Northeast section of the U.S. in Pennsylvania where their original Mennonite religion eventually split into different factions, producing what is commonly known as the “Pennsylvania Dutch” who then grew into the religious sect we now know as “Amish.” This information is but a skim over the surface of a culture filled with deep wisdom; a structural belief in peace/non-violence with the honorable intention of living and breathing a daily walk of “walking the talk” by truly being there for their neighbours – as long as one adheres to certain behaviors. *

Exposure to the outside world is held to a serious minimum. That’s why I am surprised to learn that cell phones have entered into their cloistered space. Shared land-lines, yes. Cell phones? Nooo! Although each community can make their own rules within their religious and philosophical roots, many still refuse to use modern appliances or form non-Amish social alliances.

One would think that within the rigid and often claustrophobic atmosphere of living in the world but not of it, the culture would be slowly ebbing as the world becomes smaller with new technology that even those who turn away from most of the toys of modern life can barely ignore how fast things are moving around them. And that more members than not would slip away into the cities of the damned to get away from slaughtering one more lamb, as well as to dance and prance in colorful frocks, wearing makeup and jewelry without scratchy wool socks. 

The fact is, not only have the Amish maintained their strong presence in Pennsylvania, Ohio and Indiana – their historical home bases – other areas such as Missouri, Kentucky and Minnesota have seen an incredible increase of more than 130 percent in Amish populations. They now number an estimated 227,000 nationwide, which is an increase from 123,000 in 1992 (per data gathered by researchers from Elizabethtown College's Young Center for Anabaptist and Pietist Studies).

Wow! The Amish are getting their Hoods-on! No graffiti on the side of barns, of course, but maybe a serene painting of a work horse with plough. No drive-by shootings, either, but if Mr. Yoder is an example of what is bubbling beneath the purified surface, the new Hoods of the Amish might end up with buggy ride-by-hootings at all the little cuties.

* The rules of the church, the Ordnung, must be observed by every member. These rules cover most aspects of day-to-day living, and include prohibitions or limitations on the use of power-line electricity, telephones, and automobiles, as well as regulations on clothing. Many Amish church members may not buy insurance or accept government assistance such as Social Security. As Anabaptists, Amish church members practice nonresistance and will not perform any type of military service. Members who do not conform to these expectations and who cannot be convinced to repent are excommunicated.

Sources: Associated Press/USA Today/The Smoking Gun